Everyone is a Devil today

So, here it is late in the day, and I find myself staring down the clock awaiting the 5:30pm Fred Flintstone rock quarry whistle to blow. And what a day it has been, trying administrate all that needs to be done in so little time, while working in an environment where it seems you have to jump through hoops like some circus poodle to get the most miniscule of projects completed.

You need a pink form for this, you need a blue form for that; and you need an orange form for the other (not the day-glo color orange form – just the regular orange colored form), you need a cost center, you need authorization, you need to go six floors up, take the magical elevator that climbs at a 45 degree angle to the far reaches of nowhereland to sign your name in blood, promise your first born, and swear allegiance to the almighty copy room gods so you can get the Xerox machine fixed.

Here’s an example of just one thing that would cause anyone to reach for the gallon jug of vodka they keep stashed in their desk. I needed to get a security keycard for a new employee we are on-boarding this week (the names have been changed to squelch the carnage:

Mark asks Christy for keycard.
Christy asks Bob for keycard.
Bob asks Charlotte for keycard info.
Charlotte asks Lucy for keycard info.
Lucy gives Mark form to fill out.
Mark receives email from Christy (after Lucy gives Mark forms to fill out) stating that Bob will handle directly with Dick to resolve keycard issue, Mark need not do anything further.
Mark emails Bob (and cc's Christy) for follow-up, to confirm if Bob has contacted Dick yet.
Bob tells Mark to sign the form that Lucy gave him last week.
Mark fills out form and takes it to Bob for additional signature authorization.
Bob informs Mark that Bob cannot sign, and that Dick must sign the form instead.
Mark has the form completed and sends it to Dick for signature.
Dick now says the form must be signed by someone named ‘authority’.
Mark then goes back to Bob to get Bob's signature.
Mark gets signature and elusive keycard.

Ugh! There’s bad juju everywhere today...and when I ask the magic 8-Ball sitting on my desk if there is relief within sight, it reads, "Don't ask me, I'm a ball." Today, I feel like someone trying to get their last nickel out of a ponzi scheme before the gig is up.

Red Devil Valentine's Day

It may be Friday The 13th today, but it's the day before Valentine's Day (a Hallmark Holiday that I loathe), and already this morning I'm collecting the booty. I came into work with all kinds of sweet treasures sitting on my desk.

That can either mean the people who left it there are either feeling guilting for their oversight of such a wonderful job that I do, or they really are appreciative of my administrative talents. It can't be because someone may be romantically interested in me, could it? If there is someone, Sweethearts ain't gonna do it. I'd prefer a Montblanc fountain pen instead!

The Devil will soon be a recessionista fashionista

I don't know if the pix for this article by VF are actual lunches of staffers or not, but it's damn close to the reality of what's going on in lunch time cuisine these days. And if you're going to brown bag it, you might as well do it with flair.

These hard-to-get-rid-of-because-they're-so-cute-shopping-bags were once only reused by, shall I say women of a certain age, to carry their spare shoes to work in, while the rest of us just kept these fab bags stashed away in the closet, weary of just throwing their iconic design and quality to the curb.

Brown baggers unite! Skip the drab cafeteria food, vending machines and $10 Dean & Deluca sandwiches, and bring last night's fabulous left-overs from Craft to work!

Squeeze your stick you Devil

You know, in my position, I sometimes don't get to enjoy lunch, because I have to run all over the place for someone else's lunch. Well, today my boss had me run all over the Lower East Side to find a particular kind of sushi one of our clients was preferential to. I wasn't told what the name of the restaurant was, but only that it was near Astor Place.

A few calls later to my connection at Zagat and I found out what the probably 'hot' restaurant was. I got the Sushi, and flew back uptown to serve this culinary feast. (Actually, it looked disgusting - I don't eat seafood - ick! Just think about it - fish eat each other, and then we eat them...barf!)

And because I knew I would be harranged about "where's the soy sauce", "where's the ginger sauce"? Blah, blah, blah. I made sure I had plenty of sauce on hand by way of these nifty chopsticks with sauce compartment all in one. Just squeeze and pick up!

So, I served the sushi, replete with lint-free linen napkins and crystal goblets of Perrier water, and sat back at my desk to wait for the "Where's....?" And then it came, "Where's the soy sauce! You know our best client, George, always has to have soy sauce with his sushi!" I grinned to myself while reclining at my desk, gently stood up with a purposeful look on my face, walked to the dragon's layer door, and with a polite grin said to our gentleman client, "Just squeeze the your little chopstick."

He turned immediately red with embarrassment and fury, as did the dragon. With an intentional confused, naive, simple, child-like, dim-witted look on my face, I said, "Your chopstick. You know the ones your company is trying to get us to advertise in our magazine?" To which he was thoroughly humiliated for having obviously thought I was speaking of his minuscule manhood.

That'll teach him to get me to run all over Manhattan for some beloved fish fest.

I guess I do love my job.

Dealing with the Devil requires adequate supplies

The secret to being ready at a moment’s notice is to keep a supply of essentials neatly arranged and within close range at all times.

The basics are (but not limited to):

Salt water taffy – to reminisce about a holiday you once had years ago, but, alas, will never have again.

Multivitamins – to make up for poor diet, give you energy, and to ward off ‘secretary butt’.

Band-Aids – for nasty paper cuts.

Lotion – to ward off paper cuts.

Breath mints – for politely offering to people with stank breath. It’s a gentile way of saying, “I don’t like you, and BTW your face and your breath smells like a cat’s behind”.
Throat lozenges – just because.

Chewing gum – excellent for cleaning your teeth after wolfing down bites of spring rolls in-between frantic phone calls.

Eye drops - the industrial strength kind, because let’s face it, there will inevitably be a late night or heavy drinking involved at some point.

Advil – (see “Eye drops”)

Condiment packs – for sucking on, if the Devil won’t let you off your chain for lunch.

Clear push pins - for dropping on chairs of those who talk down to you).

Various stamp pads - with “Duplicate, Confidential, & Do Not Copy” written on them. These are for stamping the foreheads of those who steal your ideas and pass them off as their own.

The Devil's got me drinking

What's up with this Mountain Dew can? Are we so much of a 'texting' society that we now use abbreviations as proper nouns? I guess it's a hipper image. Anyway, the color scheme on this can almost makes the can appear to move, if you stare at it a few seconds.

Could I just be tired, or all sugared up from this stuff?