The Devil wants to interview you

Several years ago, I interviewed at a fashion magazine, let’s call it Harper's Bazaar, for a position working as an assistant to the Editor, say, Glenda Bailey. I thought, wow, what a cool gig this could be. I could interact with the movers and shakers of the fashion world (albeit at Harpers).

Surprisingly enough, Ms. Editor was on time for my trifling little interview with her, and I thought it went very well. Although, just looking around her office, the disheveled nature of everything had me wondering, did she thrive in chaos, or was she out of control in her own world.

While sitting in her sky-high house of glamour, directly behind her in the distance was the façade of the company I used to work for, a few blocks from the Javitz center. I immediately had a flashback to those days working for a hotelier who was brash, brazen and did not suffer other people’s mistakes (or questioned his vision) lightly.

She was talking, talking, talking about her fabulous fashion mag, and as my gaze slowly drifted back from looking outside the window to the center of her eyes, I realized she wasn’t really looking at me at all – just jabbering on about this and that.

Anyway, the interview wrapped up, but not before she tested my writing skills on-the-fly so to speak. She asked me to write a quick memo to Jean-Paul Gaultier, thanking him for his flowers, and apologize for not being able to make his event that evening.

Sure, no problem. I sat at the computer outside her office, just opposite the other assistant – Ms. Assistant barely looked or gestured to me, a sign indeed that she was unhappy in her job. Would I be if I were hired?

So, I start typing, and wanting to impress Ms. Editor, I began the letter with “Dear Monsieur Gaultier,"

"What a pleasure it was to receive your fantastic flowers this afternoon..."

Then I wrapped it up quick, thanked Ms. Editor for her time, and left. But before I left, Ms. Editor asked me, “Why did you shift your eyes around during my interview with you?” I said I wasn’t aware that I had, and had usually been complemented on my doing this, as it was very expressive and endearing to people who spoke with me. They said it made them feel like they were being listened to intently, by expressing myself to them with my facial expressions.

And here I didn’t think she paid much attention to me during our initial conversation.

Later on, I called her corporate office and rescinded my application. They were shocked because they had put me on the short list of candidates to fill the 'highly exalted position'. When they asked me why, I told them, in very diplomatic terms, that I did not want to work with someone who critiqued me in such an unprofessional way. I’d already worked for one tyrant in my career, and I wasn’t about to subject myself to such humility again. I basically told them that she should find herself another pet monkey to throw bananas at.

The Devil may want to hire you

Online Job Sites – Fact or Fantasy?

You know, I was just wondering about a topic to chatter about today, so I thought of all the hot topics: politics, celebrity, economy...blah, blah, blah. But it was the economy that really got me thinking – what of all those millions of people out there right now frantically looking for a job, and in some cases, any job to put food on the table?

This led me to think about all those online jobs sites: Monster, Careerbuilder, TheLadders, etc. Do these job sites really have connection power to help someone looking for a job actually find a job through their sites? I’ve never met anyone who has actually landed a job through an online job site.

In the past, I’ve used some of these sites extensively to locate potential employers, but have found that most of them simply serve to sell advertising and direct market services to job-seekers, under the guise of ‘further your education’, ‘get your degree online’, ‘make thousand$ monthly by working at home’. I did get plenty of calls from employers and recruiters, but soon found myself lost in a vortex of job applicants.

These sites also make it difficult to get noticed (in part through the fault of the job-seeker), because so many thousands of people are vying for the same jobs. The sites make it incredibly easy to just click-and-send your resume and cover letter within seconds. Many job applicants neglect to customize their cover letter according to the company and position to which they are applying. They think it’s like the lottery – the more you play, the better your odds of winning.

Using the online job sites, I found them overflowing with recruiters, vying for mass headcounts to land that one potential job applicant/client. Although some of the recruiters are legitimate, I’ve found that the really genuine ones are small recruiters who are almost exclusively found through networking.

Also, in this explosive electronic age where just about every communication and decision is made at the touch of a button, never underestimate the power of a well-placed printed letter mailed directly to a potential employer. Actual printed resumes and cover letters are really a thing of the past, but if your resume and letter ends up in the snailmail pile of the person you would be working for, you may have a big advantage over all those other job applicants vying for the same position. Your competition will be sitting idle by the thousands in the HR email clearinghouse inbox.

Although online job sites can be used for research and reference, here are a few tips that I’ve used to help land my next gig:

• Search Internet job sites to see what’s out there, what the high-demand jobs are, who the players are, and learn as much as possible about the company you are applying to.

• Make sure it’s a job you want. Alternatively, if you are just trying to make ends meet, when you get to the interview stage, don’t let the employer feel you may jump ship at any time if something better comes along. Besides, who knows you may find out during the interview that it could be a position you could be great at.

• Make customized cover letters for every job you apply for. This sounds like grudge work, but you can use the same basic style for each letter, however, just make sure to use the same keywords in your letter that the employer uses in their job description. Many employers using sophisticated filtering software that can pick out resumes and cover letters that include the same keywords they used in their job posting.

• Network, network, network. Never underestimate the power of your friends, family and colleagues. Everyone everywhere knows somebody influential. Before I landed my position, I asked a friend to ask his friend, who is the head of a company, if he knew of any highly qualified recruiters. He did not, but it turned out he did have a friend who was the spouse of someone who worked for a company that had extensive contact with top recruiters. A phone call and an email later, I had the ear of that recruiter and a direct line to the better jobs available in the area.

• Go directly to a company’s website to find jobs available. Companies will search their own database of applicants before going outside their network.

• Ask friends what internal job postings are listed at their company. Most companies prefer to hire from within first, and typically post job openings internally for their own employees to see first before extending their search outside the company.

• Keep a log of every contact, recruiter, interviewer you talk to or meet. In the job-seeking industry, many of these recruiters know each other, and know of all the hot jobs out there. Let’s say you’re meeting with Company “A”, and they happen to mention through conversation the name of someone at Company “B” - another company you are interested in - ,and you’ve already met the person at Company “B”. Find a diplomatic way of letting Company “A” know you’ve already met with Company “B”, or know the person to which they are referring to. The employer you’re meeting with may think that you are a hot commodity and they should act fast, and make a possibly better offer to get you before the other company does. But in all of this name dropping, be truthful. People in business know other people in business, and they may just bring up the subject of your interview in conversation. If the information you offered is not verifiable, you’ll be dropped. You’ll need your contact log to keep your facts, contacts and companies in order. (Did you get all that? If not read it again; it bears repeating.)

• In an interview, never talk bad about a previous employer. A potential employer may think that you will talk bad about them, if you eventually leave their company.

• The best advice I can give you for beginning your job search is this: Network while you still have a job. Take time to have lunch with co-workers and people you think are influential in your company. If you develop and maintain those relationships while you are currently employed, those relationships will become invaluable when you find yourself being downsized, and needing a connection or reference letter.
  
  These suggestions are by no means enough to land you a job, but they may help guide you in the right direction.
  
  And we all know the hardest job you’ll ever have is trying to get a job.

The Devil knows crazy folk

One of the more fanciful, curious things I do enjoy about my job is reading all those insane complaint or request letters from who-knows-who. While straightening my office files, I came across a folder I made a while back labeled “Crazy Folk”. It holds letters from felons, and others who send letters to the company requesting help with everything from money to parole representation.

The Devil is in a panic

In my position you have to keep your wits about you for anything that can go wrong – and chances are, something will.

But all in all, I do try to keep my humor and my sharp tongue on alert, and I keep that sarcasm all around me, mixed amongst my desktop kitsch.

The fake ‘panic’ button I have on my keyboard is but one of my sadistic jokes sitting around my desktop.

The Devil has no sense of humor

The Devil has me bored

Oh, so what did I do that was constructive at work today....I sorted push pins. Red is my favorite color and last week I decided to use only red push pins on my cube walls (er, I mean ‘workspace’), so I placed an order with Staples for multicolored pins, and spent a part of my afternoon playing fashion director for push pins.

The Devil needs his car washed

My boss, Mr. Rock wants to have nephew's leased car serviced, cleaned, detailed and returned to as close to mint condition as possible so that he (Mr. Rock, really, because he's paying for the lease), doesn’t get charged any extra fees for damage to the vehicle.

So, last week, Mr. Rock asked me to call the car dealership to arrange for servicing, inform them of a laundry list of things that need ‘fixed’, and if the repair work could be done on a Saturday. (The back story here is that he tells me that he’s been told before that they don’t do servicing on Saturdays, but he wants me to ask any way.) I call, make the appointment for the following week – they don’t do servicing on Saturdays...quelle surprise!

Yesterday, Mr. Rock asked me if I knew of any good car wash/detailing places to take the car to. I give him the name of the place I take my car to, and trust me; it’s a spectacular place (let’s call it Car Wash A). I wouldn’t have recommended it otherwise, considering the source of the request. I get Mr. Rocky all the details for Car Wash A, including the services offered, prices, location, etc.

Today, he brings in a flyer that he found in the lobby of his apartment building from some random car wash. The flyer lists all the services and prices for this car wash (We’ll call this one Car Wash B). And he then asked me to compare both car washes to find out which does what specific services, cost of each service, differences in cost for full cleaning packages vs. individual type cleaning services...is it hand-washed? Hand dried? And what’s the difference between Armor All and Tire Shine? And why is there such a difference in price between Armor All and Tire Shine?

This week, a few days before his service appointment (the car, that is), Mr. Rock asks me to call the car dealership to see if they can do paint touch up work and fix dings & scratches at the time of the servicing.

I call. They don’t. They recommend a contractor that they use for touch-up service. I already know what’s coming next, and I should have preempted the request, but alas I waited for him to ask. Then it comes: “Please contact the contractor that the dealership recommends and find out what they charge, do I have to take the car to him, what they do, how they do it, how long does it take, blah, blah, blah.”

Even though I wasn’t proactive in getting the information before he asked, I just wanted to see if he could see the ridiculousness in what I was being asked to do, and the man-hours spent on the company dime to fulfill his request. (Keep in mind; this is for his nephew's car, not his. Oh, and did I mention his nephew is a sophomore in college – an adult capable of arranging all of this his damn self - spoiled, ungrateful, hanger-on-er.)

Now, if you’re still with me, here’s the real pip of my story. About an hour ago a guy shows up unannounced to Mr. Rock's office, and asks to speak with him. I know the gentleman as one of the other high level execs in our company, and since Mr. Rock has a break in his schedule, I tell him to come on in. They exchange pleasantries, and the first thing I here is, “So, Mr. Rock, I hear you’re looking for a place that does great car detailing?”

If you could see my hands freeze from the letter I was typing, and my eyes go into a solemn stare into the monitor, while my lips formed a narrow straight, pinched line, you’d understand what it is I’m trying to visualize for you here.

As the gentleman enters Mr. Rock's office, they begin the discussion of ‘car servicing’. I need to get away from my desk, or I fear he may see my irate facial expression. I can’t help but snicker to myself under my breath as if to ask myself – why are you surprised? You knew this is would probably happen. His fickle and indecisive mind always does this. To this day, I'm still amazed that Mr. Rock is still at the helm of a billion dollar firm.

I get up to walk away from my desk to get a bottle of water from the pantry, and I glance into his office, but not directly at him – just enough to let him know that he has, once again, completely wasted my time.

After the office door opens, Mr. Executive and Mr. Rock say their good-byes and he assures Mr. Rock that he will make a few calls to his connections to find the best car wash/detailing place.

I think his embarrassment of the situation is so great, that he leaves her office to apparently go no where, but just to get away from me and his shame. But that shame will only last 5 minutes, before he asks me to do some other mundane duty.

Now, here's the kicker, Mr. Rock has his own driver, who should be doing these mundane tasks as part of his 'driver' duties. But then again his driver is also his secret boytoy, and he probably doesn't want boytoy to use up his precious time doing such mechanical things. Boytoy's time is better served running up and defaulting on his company Amex card, and letting Mr. Rock pay for it. Afterall, boytoy is a genius, he screamed at Mr. Rock's housekeeper (oh, did I forget to mention that boytoy lives with Mr. Rock, too!) for washing his bathing trunks in the washing machine, saying "Swim trunks should be dry cleaned; they can't get wet."

The Devil is a back seat driver

Here's story #1 in my long history of stories to tell. This one is unique, but if you change the names and places, it's basically a similar story that most of us have had to deal with at some time or another.

My boss, let's call him DL, asked me to get him a copy of the subway map and show him how to get from the office to the airport? Instead of taking the usual car service, he decides to be adventurous and take public transportation (even though he drove to work, and could also just drive himself to the airport).

So, I spend the next hour tracking flights, getting all the subway maps, times, gate entrance, distance from subway exit at airport to airline gate where he needs to board the plane. He gets ready to go out the door, then turns around and says, “Did you drive to work today?” (Uh, yes, you know I drive every day, because we’ve had conversations ad nauseum about what the best route is to get to work from where I live.)

Everyday he asks me what route I take to work, what route I take home, and then he commences to tell me the bazillian different ways he gets to work, as if he's trying to make it seem his route is better or faster than mine – who cares?!!!

So, then DL says, can you take me to the airport. I say, of course. So, we go get his luggage out of his car, which is parked in the executive garage two floors down within our office building. He asks me where I’m parked. I say right across the street. Then he begins to grill me on what “right across the street” means. I tell him I don’t know the address of the garage, but that IT IS RIGHT ACROSS/DIRECTLY ACROSS/YOU COULDN’T MISS IT IF YOU WERE BLIND – ACROSS THE STREET!

He asks, "What's the address? Is it 74 Broadway? No, that would be the other garage, is it 76 Broadway?"….blah, blah blah. I'm thinking: Why would you possibly need the address of the garage - IT’S DIRECTLY ACROSS THE STREET, WHAT MORE EXPLANATION DO YOU NEED!? Besides, I’ve already agreed to drive him to the airport, and since I’ll be with him, does it really matter that he needs to know how to get to the freakin’ garage?

We get to the garage, and DL says where are you parked? I say it’s valet and they bring the car to me. We stand there for no more than a minute (literally) and he says, “How long does it take for them to get the car?". I say, it’s pretty fast – no more than five minutes, even during rush hour. Another minute passes, he says under his breath, “They’re kind of slow." (Man, come on...I mean really, it really hasn’t been more than 2 – 2 ½ minutes since the valet went running to retrieve my car. It will only take us 20 minutes to get to the airport, and his flight was due to depart 2 1/2 hours from now.

My car finally shows up, and he asks if I’ve ever driven to the airport. Yes, I say, I’ve been a few times (don’t you remember the conversations we’ve had about what the best route to/from the airport is, and the trips I’ve said I’ve taken to/from NYC in the past few years?)

So, regardless of my answer, he commences to oversee my driving and directions to the airport. I tell him I have the coordinates already programmed into my GPS system (not to mention, as I said before, I already know how to get to the airport, but simply program the GPS to reassure him), but he just wants to be in control and gets a high out of showing off how much he thinks he knows.

So, all the way to the airport he just keeps jabbering on about what lane to be in, where the turn is coming up, traffic, traffic, traffic, bad signage, bad drivers - basically his opinion on all things transportation. And then because of all this distraction from the passenger’s seat, I nearly miss the last exit to the airport, and nearly get broadsided by a truck.

Next time, DL can take the subway as planned! And yes, I will be expensing the mileage!

And if he ever asks me if I drove to work today, I'll say no, I took the subway.